wisdom from walking two dogs at once
So there I was, arms wrapped around a tree trunk, one dog pulling toward a squirrel and the other stretching toward an enticing-smelling hole in the ground. Neither dog paid me any attention, each frustratedly straining toward what they wanted while I felt the tree bark stamping an impression into my face.
I finally had to resort to strength, and pulled Emmie back so I could maneuver her onto the same side of the tree as Henry. Henry felt the new slack and joyously completed his journey to the hole, pulling me--and Emmie--with him. Emmie looked resigned, having missed her chance at a chase. I was pissed.
After I regained my composure, I realized I was thinking about this dog walk all wrong. I’d spent half an hour at the dogs’ whims: Emmie pulled us toward every squirrel; Henry had to sniff (and pee on) every downed branch he saw. I was the one at the mercy of these two forces, outside on a beautifully chilly day and enjoying none of it. This is my walk too, I thought after being pulled past a beautiful patch of turkey tail without having a chance to appraise it, and I should be more in control of it.
I called a little meeting. Both dogs came over and sat down in front of me, each accepting a treat for their trouble. “OK, guys,” I said, “this is my walk from here on out. I’m in charge here. I’ll make sure you both have fun…but it’s just as important that I have fun too. Meeting adjourned.” I kept a firmer hold on each leash, gently correcting any strong pulls or charges at squirrels. I stopped when I saw a really gross dead tree that I knew they’d both love to sniff (they did); I avoided giving in to their distractions. Three things happened:
I immediately enjoyed the walk more while neither dog appeared to enjoy it any less,
Both dogs were more in rhythm with me, and
The dogs were more in rhythm with each other.
There will always be forces that pull us, some stronger than others. I’ve been through periods where I felt like work was pulling me away from life, and others where life steered me away from giving my fullest at work. In both scenarios I felt out of control and out of touch. The stories I’ve heard from hundreds of others over the course of my career assure me I’m far from alone.
Work/life balance has been part of the national conversation for decades, gaining real traction in the ‘70s as more women entered the workforce, creating more dual-income households. More recently, it’s turned into a conversation about work/life integration, or the concept of weaving your work and your life together into one seamless mesh. “There’s no such thing as work/life balance,” I’ve heard several leaders say, “it’s just life.” This last idea has been thrown into especially sharp relief post-pandemic, as many of us grappled with how much time we were taking from our lives to give to our jobs.
The idea of it being a dichotomy, or even an integration, is flawed. both concepts focus on the two pulling dogs and not at all on the walker. In other words, what we’ve viewed as a seesaw is really a triangle: work, life, and YOU.
If you’ve ever had two dogs before, especially rescues with histories, you know you can’t just throw them together and expect it all to work out. I have heartbreaking experience with this. As the owner, it’s on you to create an environment where they can forge a successful relationship with each other. You stay focused and diligent, training them individually and together, working on the dynamic between them and each of their individual dynamics with you. The most successful dog owners never stop and assume it's all good—they continue to bring thoughtfulness and intention into each moment.
If it’s YOUR work and YOUR life, then it’s YOUR walk. There will be times where it’ll be beneficial to follow the whims of one or the other—but that needs to be your choice. The moment you give up your agency and let work set your course, you’ll be tired and annoyed, your life dragged unwillingly along. The moment you let life take over, you’ll notice you’re still tired and annoyed and your work is stalling out, frustrated, waiting for you to re-engage. The moment you decide to just give up and let them both do what they’ll do, you end up wrapped around a tree with a hurt face and no one getting what they need, least of all you.
Let’s redefine it as the work/life/you dynamic. I love this term because it recognizes the trifecta AND the word “dynamic” means it’s always changing, always developing, and requires constant intention and effort. The moment you recognize your own agency and start working on the work/life/you dynamic, you’ll begin to uncover opportunities to create healthier relationships between yourself and your work, yourself and your life, and your work and your life. You might also rediscover some beautiful synergies between them. Just like with dogs, it’s on you to create that dynamic—so if you’re wrapped around a tree, here are five questions to get you started getting un-stuck:
Which is the strongest force: my work, my life, or me?
What kind of dynamic do I have with my work?
What kind of dynamic do I have with my life?
What kind of dynamic do they have with each other?
What do I need (like more energy, more support, more clarity) to take a more active role in managing these dynamics?
Grab a journal and write down the answers to these questions as they come to you. If you get stuck somewhere, or if you’d just like to talk through what you uncovered, let’s talk—because everyone deserves to enjoy their walk.
My view after taking charge: Emmie on the left, Henry on the right. I even had a free hand to snap a photo!
